Do You Believe in Gosh?
This post is in loving memory of Mitch Hedberg. A year ago today, one of, if not the most creative and innovative comedians was taken from this world to soon. He was honest and humble and would do anything for his fans. His comedy was simple and brilliant. He didn't use sexual or racial jokes as a crutch like most comedians of today so often do. He was one of the great comedic geniuses of our time and his death was tragic. ALL of us here at SandBox Films would like to say that your life and work was an inspiration to us all, and you still are and will always be missed.
Feel free to post your favorite Hedberg Jokes in the comments section.
7 comments:
Hedberg was something special. I'll be listening to 'Strategic Grill Locations' today in tribute.
Every comic that ever talked about him remarked on his amazing attitude and willingness to go the extra mile for his fans. Besides being a comic, he seemed like an incredibly nice guy.
March 30 (Thursday) is Mitch Hedberg day, and you're encouraged to use as many of his jokes as possible then.
1. I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. "Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here."
2. I don't wanna have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have my face on the cover of a Rice Krispies box. Snap, Crackle, Mitch, and Pop. "Hey, how the f*** did he do that?" "Hey, in Hollywood its all who you know, and I know Crackle."
3. All McDonalds commercials end the same way: "prices and participation may vary." I want to open my own McDonalds and not participate in anything. I want to be a stubborn McDonalds owner. "Cheeseburgers? Nope. We got spaghetti!...And blankets. But we are not affiliated with that clown, he attracts too many children."
4. When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say "Dufrene, party of two. Dufrene, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say their name again. "Dufrene, party of two, Dufrene, party of two." But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufrenes? No one seems to give a sh**. Who can eat at a time like this - people are missing. You f***ers are selfish... the Dufrenes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry! That's a double whammy. We need help. Bush, search party of three! You can eat when you find the Dufrenes.
5. I had a bag of Fritos, but these were Texas Grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. Hell yeah. Reminds me of summertime, when we used to fire up the barbecue and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. "Better flip that Frito Dad, you know how I like mine: with grill marks."
6. I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles was a laid-back company. They said "F*** it. Cut 'em up!"
7. I bought a doughnut from a store and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. Man, I'll just give you money, then you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend: "Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut, I've got the documentation right here. Oh wait, it's at home, in the file... under D... for doughnut"
8. I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
9. I don't have a microwave but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks s***.
10. "I have long hair, and see, people associate long hair with drug use. I wish long hair was associated with something other than drug use, like 'an extreme longing for cake'. People would see a guy with long hair and say "damn, that fu**er eats cake, he's on bundt cake". Mothers telling their daughters "don't bring the cake-eater over here anymore, he smells like flour. Did you notice how his eyes widened when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?"
Here's 10 more:
1. I like to hold the microphone cord like this. I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
2. I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.
3. You know when you go to a concert like punk-rock and the kids get on stage and they jump into the crowd? People think that's dangerous, but not me... because humans are made of 95% water, so the audience is 5% away from a pool.
4. This product was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one f***ing complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be a b**ch. The mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination. Good luck, f***er.
5. I did a radio interview. The DJ's first question was, "Who are you?" I had to think, "Is this guy really deep? Or did I drive down to the wrong station?"
6. I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would be really mad if she heard me say that.
7. Last night my friend drank 26 bottles of O'Douls... He is a non-alcoholic.
8. Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
9. See, I'm a dreamer, man. And when I was a cook I'd always work with people who weren't dreamers. Like, I was cooking at this restaurant and I put a hot dog on the grill and my kitchen manager came over, and he said, "Mitch, put the hot dog up here, in the right hand corner of the grill, so in case you get a whole bunch of orders at once you have all this space available." See, that's how I knew he wasn't a dreamer, 'cause the day I give up my dreams is the day I have strategic grill locations. A dreamer has a philosophy: the entire grill is hot.
10. If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
You should post on my page more; look at all I do for you.
There's so many great jokes...I can't just pick a few. But yeah...dang.
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